I haven’t been keeping this up to date, I have been really busy with the new job and everything that I have not been able to catch up.
I should write that Mario and I are off. I finally talked to him about some of the things that were bothering me, and he gave me this talk on how “it wasn’t fair to me,” and it effectively ended that night. I was/am really sad about this, but I am sure it helps me in the end. If I am really going to spend my entire life with only myself, than I should cease with this trivial tiptoeing through the realm of dating and love. Some of us are made to watch the crowds, but never walk with them, and this is my destiny I know it now. I know it more than anything.
So a few days later Mario and I went to a play and a movie. It sucked so much, because I am so in love with him that it hurts me, and he clearly wants to turn this just into a friends scenario. I assume he is planning on ways to get back with Jason, and I have so many mixed feelings on it. But more the most I feel like I always feel with men….used.
When I got home I wrote him an email:
Mario,I would have rather have said this face to face, but i guess i am just not brave enough. Mario, tonight was so hard for me, it really took far more energy than i had to spend. I wanted to hug you (and kiss you) but if i am to quell the feelings I have for you, than as much as it kills me, i guess have to be like this. I have no idea how well it will work, but it was hard for me to even look at you this evening. And it isn’t because i am mad or angry, but because i just can’t see you as just a friend, no matter how hard i try. With time you’ll become Mario the friend, but until then you are Mario the guy have fallen foolishly hard for.
Don’t be sad, please don’t be sad about me. I want you to become better, and i know you are getting there. This momentary silliness will pass and i am sure all will be well. Give me a call and i hope you have good saturday.
Josh
PS I was going to write something funny here, but all i could think of was the old women who was in front of us at “Lost in Translation,” saying ‘Didn’t he say come to New York?’ Damn that old bat.
he never responded to it and I later found out, aol was not accepting my emails so it was never delivered. I guess this is disappointing, but it may have saved my face just a little.
I refuse to touch him when we see each other and I know this hurts him. I will admit that it feels like a knife twisting in my side every time I nod and walk away rather than embracing him. I realize I fell for this guy without even being on the prowl for a man, it just happened to materialize and I think that is why this one hurts. I am at least relieved the fates were incorrect and not I.