I am in love. I have fallen into the pit, and I have only realized as it has started to hurt me like so many other times. I know I am going to be bruised and broken very soon, but I am so sad that once again I am going to have to stuff my emotions away to save for someone else.
Moulin Rouge states it the best when it comes to love. All I have ever wanted, all I have ever search for is to be loved. The greatest thing truly is to love and be loved in return, and I know that I am not loved. Michelle thinks that Mario is seeing other people, she told me he said something about having mini-dates and how all of his friends are trying to set him up. I do not think I am going to hear from him until Saturday, and that makes me very sad, but solidifies my fears that he is not interested in me.
It makes me so angry and sad that he has fallen into so many damned relationships, but cannot do it with me. Am I that repulsive and ungodly, that absolutely no one can be with me? That sounds dramatic and queeny, but that is what I truly feel right now. I have been cursed to fall in love with all my heart, but never to be loved. Even Jennifer’s love is now in a place that makes her happy.
There is nothing I can do about this curse, there is no way I can change the free wills of the people I surround myself with. I wonder why such punishment has hailed down upon me, and I can think of no reason other than a simple and logical understanding of love that I have created. I have tried to understand love, I have thought about it for years and in doing so I have opened a wound that must exist in all of us. Those not concerned with the immenseness of love are always being loved. I cannot seal the wound and I will feel the pain forever I fear.
Nothing is going to change this. I have been thinking about when Mario first became part of this wound. I am not sure if it was when we fell asleep on my couch together, our first date, or the time he kidnapped me from my place to share his bed with me. All is know is I am so sad, and I wish I could become angry but I cannot.
I hate all of this.
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