This was never sent:
So, i am writing this to you knowing that it will not leave my account until i get to a wireless hub, but I have decided whatever. I have been so excited for this trip, because I am hoping it is going to cure me of how I have felt for the past month. I have been so utterly depressed and sad it has been pathetic, and I was thinking “yes, eight days away from pittsburgh, from mario, from michele, from school, from everything that has been making me cry.” So i am so ready to just forget it all, and i boarded the fucking plane in high spirits. Inflight movie was “something has got to give” an amazing love story, just the right amount of sappiness and a well put together narrative. Of course it was far too real, which has prompted this email. do i know the point of this email, no i don’t but, i wanted you to know how i feel. Mario, i have been watching every single word to you for fear if i ever began to start talking too fast, my emotions would override and I would say some very dangerous things.I have really been lying to you for a month, saying things were ok and that they were getting better. The last time i had it almost done, when you said “this time was a lot better because we seemed a lot more present” and i was thinking, yes yes yes I did it. Than we had that stupid conversation where I ended up asking you for a hug like some pathetic orphan. I of course was pissed I had fucked everything up in the final scene of the final act.
I never wanted to stop seeing you, as I hope you very well have realized by now. I ended up asking for all and losing everything. I have so many mixed feelings, I want to see you (simply because I have never not wanted to see you,) but I do not want to keep lying and acting. I want it to be the way it was, but i also want you to be happy. I debate everyday whether i wish i would have never met you or merely have met at a later date than I did. It is crazy that I think about you as much as I do, I readily admit that. I have tried every cure, and none of course have been helpful.
There are so many things I could continue writing in this email. My thoughts on how I fell for you so hard, or an explanation of the mechanics of the ridiculous obsession i have with these emotions, but I feel I won’t. I am going to have a wonderful week, and stop thinking about my insanity for a while.
the boy crying on the plane,
Josh