I have been wanting to write for a few days but I have kept putting it off. I am sitting at my desk drinking a luke warm glass of cabernet et that has been sitting here for a few days. Smoking a cigarette and mulling over this depression I have stooped into. I can’t stop listening to Halleluiah by Rufus. I have no focus in life right now and I am not sure what to do. I hate being down on myself so much, but I just do not want to leave my apartment at all. I wish I did not have to go to school this semester. I wish I could just sit here and write my thoughts day in and day out for the rest of my life.
It just feels like a dark cloud has come over me. I am not motivated to do anything. I am just sad. I cried during a Star Trek movie today. I am so pitiful.
On lighter notes I like the living arrangement this semester. Except sometimes Constantine does not make it easy for one to just wallow in self-pity. He is always so cheery. Gah, I want to just be left alone sometimes. I really enjoy the affect he has had on Sarah; she is very good to live with right now. I am realizing I will miss her company next year.
This was my coming out weekend. It has been three years since I told myself I was a faggot. I took Saturday and went to the museum, and looked at the background scenery is some of those ungodly religious paintings. I find the winding roads that lie behind the tail of each cloak,quite magnificent.
Last week I really fucked up school I think. I did not try very hard on my paper, and I have no idea how I did on my history exam. I hope I did better than a C. Who knows, I am such a worthless academic. I got a D on my French quiz, and didn’t turn in a lot of my Greek homework. I wish I just had some drugs to either throw myself into a deeper pit of despair, or some mood altering drug that made me want to be fictitiously chipper and motivated to study.
Well I think Ethan must have taken the hint. After a terribly busy week, he has not called or emailed me. He surely is nice, but I really can’t get into a relationship with someone 15 years older than me. I really see nothing good coming of it. If I want to leave (which I do so ever bad) I think I would sell out and stay here with him.
I think after writing my column on Dr. Said, that I forced myself to look at how little I will ever affect the world. I am not smart enough to be an academic (Dr. Stewart assured my I could not get into the Rhodes Scholar program.) My activism has been an utter failure, and I can’t even learn French. I am a success at nothing in life.
I think I want to buy a cat. I need a companion to love.